1. Sign up for a race when you have hardly trained at
all. Ideally, you sign up when you are
living out of a suitcase and lack regular access to a bicycle or pools.
2. Commence training the day you depart for your trip by
simulating race day adrenaline: leave your purse with your wallet, passport,
and house keys at home. Arrange an elaborate handoff of your valuables
involving trusted drivers, guards, Nairobi rush hour traffic, and a massive
downpour. Receive your ID and valuables just 2 minutes before check in closes.
This is the ideal way to train your mind to remain calm under pressure.
3. Upon successfully clearing security, celebrate your close
call with a beer. Strict race weekend diets only from this point out. Ensure
you stay hydrated: coffee and Tuskers are the beverages of choice. Eat rounded
meals from the hotel’s buffet three meals a day; make sure you get in your daily
doses of fries and dessert. When in doubt, turn to pizza.
4. Prepare for the varied nature of the triathlon by using a
range of transportation modes to get to the race location. One way
transportation should include a ride in a private car, a plane flight on a
classy airline like Fly540, a jam packed express mutatu ride, and a rickety tuk
tuk finish. The mutatu and tuk tuk’s bumpy rides (with a 2.5 hour minimal
duration) should help prepare your bum for the pothole filled roads you will
soon bike on. This journey also require patience and perseverance, two valuable
triathlon assets.
5. In the two days prior to the race, do a variety of
athletic warm ups. Swim in the ocean to assess the state of faulty goggles.
Learn a new sport like windsurfing; flying off your board dozens of times is
the best way to make you feel better about your proficiencies at other sports. Test
your rental bike by riding it to gelato. Exercise your mind: float in the hotel
pool with a book. This is best achieved with a drink in hand.
6. The day prior to the race, attend a two-hour participant
briefing. Get more confused than ever about the course specifics. Sit next to
someone who keeps saying how easy the race will be because it is only a
fraction of an iron man. Realize nearly half the people in the room look like
they could complete an iron man. Remind yourself that you are well prepared.
7. When race day arrives, revel in the “ideal” swimming
conditions: extremely low tide where the rock reef is nearly entirely exposed.
As the race begins, avoid the straight up walking posture that earlier
competitors have assumed. Rather, crawl on all fours both in and out of the
ocean. Your ankles are too valuable. Plus, you really look like a professional
athlete as you scramble over barely covered rock reefs like a drunken crab.
8. Get to transition and remove your bike from a rickety
wooden lounge chair that is seconding as a rack. Realize that the rear tire has
gone completely flat. Ask for assistance. Discover that the people who brought
all the rental bikes did not bring any air pumps that fit the tires. Wait
patiently for about 10 minutes as strangers attempt to force air into your
tire. Watch all remaining triathletes competitors leave the transition area.
Eventually decide the tire pressure (that is abysmal) is perhaps the best you
are going to get from pumps that don’t fit the tires. Begin the bike race, at
least 10 minutes behind all other competitors.
9. Ride your bike for several km before realizing that the
rear tire is most definitely punctured and not in the least bit repaired. Ask
every marshal on the first half of the bike loop if they have a way to access a
spare or a pump. Accept apologies and continue riding on a completely flat tire
for approximately 10km before reaching the transition spot again. Stop and
insist upon a new tire or new bike for the final 10km loop. Wait another 20 minutes
for people who organized the bike rental to wander the hotel and scramble for
solutions. Watch nearly all your competitors finish the bike portion of the
race.
10. With a new tire finally on the rear of your bike, set
off again. Realize that the new tire does not really fit the frame, so every
few rotations the bike switches gears on its own. Pedal forwards when possible and
ignore the constant lurches of sudden gear shifts. Pedal backwards when the
chain hops off the gears; it will usually pop back on again. Finish the second
half of the bike course in this manner. Use about 17 times the energy normally required to bike.
11. Return the god-forsaken bike to the transition area and
set off on the run. Realize that the humidity and heat have both cranked up to
high. Start trudging along the loose sand and 4-inch deep dried seaweed. Get
the chills because your body is starting to overheat. With the competition well
over half an hour ahead of you, feel free to slow and enjoy the rolling sea.
After all, you’ve paid good money to enjoy this triathlon. Accept your
completion medal at the end. Pat yourself on the back for surviving that
ridiculous adventure.
12. And… the number one way to ensure that you finish in the
top 25 competitors of a triathlon: sign up for a triathlon with less than 25
participants. I most definitely finished last on this one. But hey, I got a
good story out of it at least!
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